Finding Fraser - Setting the Onion Precedent

Several years ago, I began a blog, Finding Fraser. A few weeks ago I was overcome with the feeling that I had grown older and wiser, and therefore took it down. Here I am, barely weeks later, reminiscing about onions and other things oddly referred to whilst I desperately sought Fraser. Guess what? Neither my thoughts nor my purpose have changed. I am still me. While I may no longer be searching for my "original self" as I had been, I am still on a quest, looking to create a bit more of myself everyday.

Finding my thoughts and banterings just as twistedly relevant to my life circumstances now as they were then, I will be reposting several of these entries over the next little while.

Here it is, the first of firsts, my original blog post...

Setting the Onion Precedent        -        Monday, July 23, 2007

Don't you hate it? Starting something new on just the right foot. There's so much pressure, so much to think about. Look at me. Look how high I've set the bar for myself. I've yet to even write a complete paragraph, but the title alone indicates that what I write will be deep, meaningful, and, essentially, so profound that I will find the core of my being.
Unbelievable.
And all of that, right here, for you to see. Ha!

It is true, I am lost. But, I'm sure you are too. I am a mother, a step-mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a wife, and potentially, some other title I have completely forgotten. But, before all that, I was just Fraser. Hmmmm. I suppose by rights, I was always a daughter and a sister. But then, I consciously decided to become a mother, a step-mother, a friend and a wife. With every title, came additional layers of responsibility. So, maybe I'm not lost, I'm just wrapped up in layers that have gotten so thick, I have no idea where the core of me lies anymore. Oh, there I go again, talking about the core of my being. This could get interesting.

I've recently begun a quest. I'm on the hunt for Fraser, my original self. Now, I obviously can't erase all of my chosen titles, nor am I wanting to, I just need to tidy them up a bit. Thinking of the movie Shrek, I'm thinking of an onion... are you with me? Onions have layers, (and yes apparently Ogres do too, but that's irrelevant at this point in time) and if you peel them all away, you get to the core of it. People, in my opinion, should NOT be like onions. Hey, I warned you this would not be profound stuff here. People should be like trees. They should be grounded on the root of their being, with each additional title being a different branch. The bigger they are, the farther they reach. All the while, the persons true self is still quite visible. It is the foundation on which they stand. Obviously that is not the case with an onion. With every additional layer, the core of the onions being gets hidden a little deeper.

I'm tired of being an onion. Besides, they stink.

"Life isn't about Finding Yourself..."

While spending time at home in Nova Scotia this summer, surrounded by nature at its best, I was presented with the words of George Bernard Shaw, "Life isn't about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself."  and couldn't help but be compelled to look at myself in a whole new light.  I know who I am, I know what I like, and I know what I am good (and conversely not good) at.  Why keep searching for what I already know?  Instead of puttering around thinking about what I have already done, it was time to shift gears and focus on what there was still to do.  What have I always wanted to do, but have never done?  Is there a life calling I have yet to explore?  Is there an influence I can make on a person, society or culture?

When looking to make a change of any kind, it always helps to have a strong team of influential people around you.  "Influential" can come in many forms. Whether it be your teenage children influencing what you wear by giving you the you-can't-seriously-be-planning-on-wearing-that-outside-the-house look over breakfast, your spouse supporting you through everyday ups and downs, or co-workers pushing you to go for the big promotion; each of them have an effect on YOU in a way completely different than they would on someone else.  Many of my influencers were specific high school teachers.   True to form, being somewhat of a nerd, I held several teachers in very high esteem while other students would rather walk on hot coals than walk back into the classroom for a "chat".  One in particular, Mr. C, was my physical education teacher for the majority of my junior and senior high school years.  He taught me infinitely more than sports skills.  His influence stretched to cover perseverence, patience, faith, and giving. He had high expectations for you and you felt compelled to perform out of fear of letting him down.  You busted your butt for him because he expected you to, and you knew that that was the right thing to do.  While in Nova Scotia this summer, I saw Mr. C for the first time in 16 years.  My nephew wanted to take me to the cool, new, state of the art track and field facility in town.  It was really not surprising to see Mr. C there with a group of teenagers, training diligently on a beautiful Wednesday evening in the middle of the summer.  It was even less surprising to learn that it was Mr. C himself who had spearheaded the entire initiative to raise money for and create such a beautiful facility.  Mr. C is a man who has dedicated his life to serving his community one teenager, and inadvertently one family, at a time.  While he may be a talented athlete, his true gifts and strengths are those he tries to pass on to others; perseverence, patience, faith, and giving.

I walked away from the track that evening with a renewed sense of purpose.  I would not stand around trying to find myself.  I am who I am.  I must instead find a way to continue to better myself and find a way to use my skills to help better any one around me who feels they may need some bettering too.  Career Number 4 shall be influential.

"Life isn't about finding yourself, It's about creating yourself."   George Bernard Shaw

I Should Be...?

The melodramatic squeals and giggles oozing from children as they walked past my door on their way to school this morning were barely audible over the deafening silence emanating from my phone as it sat silently nestled in its cradle.  Oh well, I had other things to think about this morning.  Coffee in hand, I was equipped to handle whatever found itself in my path. 

The first of those things would be my part time job number 1.  PT job 1 requires my undivided attention, tests the limits of my patience, and entices my entire brain into action… for only two hours a week.  So why put myself through that for such meager money?  Because for two hours a week I am required to give something my undivided attention, test my patience (ok, who’s kidding who,  my children already "encourage" me to develop this essential life skill on a daily basis), and entice my brain into action.  A testament to either my adaptability or my gullibility, I am tutoring a college student in a course I took thirteen years ago and haven’t looked at, thought about, or remotely dabbled with since.  I also tutor another college student in another course I’ve never taken, been exposed to or have any experience in.  Crazy?  Maybe.  Capable?  Sure.  It’s dealing with numbers.  Sweet, simple numbers that blend together in melodic harmony creating music as they go.  Oh boy, the corny, over dramatic, blech-ness (new word as of right now) of that sentence made me snort my steamy cup of java out my nose… but I had to keep the sentence.  When else would I get the opportunity to talk about snorting coffee out my nose?  

Before heading out for my morning brain crunch, I had social obligations to fulfill.  Yes, that’s right, no day can fully begin without first checking email and then checking in with various social media.  This morning, a friend’s update was ‘Stay true to yourself.”  Small words, big meaning.

I was thinking about this update on my way to PT job 1, and again on the drive home.  While searching frantically (or passively frantically, if that’s possible) for a job, I’m finding it very easy to get caught up in the emotions of the experience.  Applying to job after job, only to be met with the emptiness of nothing, my competitive-self began to step in and spew gray matter in all directions.  I had been challenged.  Being presented with the cold, hard fact that my chosen career number 3 was not currently available to me, I forgot why I was no longer in career 1 or 2 and began to aggressively pursue re-entering either of them, just to show the world that I could.  Stubborn, competitive me.

I was a teacher in career number 3, before we moved to this delicious land covered in rows of over-sweet grapes preparing themselves to become the delicious nectar of next year.  Ah yes, while I may have left a career behind, I have established a new hobby of collecting delicious samples of locally-fermented-grape-juice-in-a-bottle, and will never complain about it.  Unfortunately, in this ever-productive part of the country, Xavier Roberts seems to have a cabbage patch field harvesting teachers in abundance , leaving more B.Ed’s in the unemployment lines than there are vines on the hillside.  Alas, I will have to wait my turn for a classroom.  In the meantime, I will continue to sample the nectar.

Few people have the opportunity presented to them to truly take the time to find not only what they WANT to be doing, but what they SHOULD be doing.  I realize I am in the minority in this land.  I’m eager to find my fourth career, not because I’m worried about feeding my family, but because I’m worried about my gray matter becoming mush.  You know, the old use it or lose it adage.  Ideally, yes, career number 3 suited me.  But in this land of fertile soil, hidden in the beauty of the land, there must be something I SHOULD be doing.   (And please, dear husband, don't say the dishes... there's always tomorrow for that.)

Day 1 - Searching for a Sense of Purpose

Moments after my kids ran out the front door for school this morning, my phone rang.  The cup of coffee I’d been anxiously waiting to savour once they were gone was suddenly forgotten.  A new sense of anticipation instantly overcame me, the hairs on my arms prickling with fear and excitement while the caller on the other end of the line was left to wait for me to compose myself before picking up the phone.  Could this be the one that I had been waiting for?  I have a purpose, I’m sure I do.  I have tonnes of potential, I’m sure I do.  Is this unknown caller the one who has figured it out?  Is the key holder to my fourth career awaiting me on the other end of the line?  Aware that time waits for no-one, no matter what their state of mind, state of finance, or state of desperation, I made haste to lift the receiver from the cradle.

My children were hoping for me to get a “cool job.”  Imagine the playground bragging rights they would own if they could say mommy works for the professional sports team in town, or at the coolest theme park.  Or maybe I could work in their school.  Thankfully, they are well balanced enough to actually think that would be cool, too. 

My husband would be thrilled for me to get a job again.  Really, any job will do.  He understands the social interaction that accompanies employment and embraces the fact that I thrive on social interaction.  Really, when you look at the situation through his eyes, the more I get the opportunity to interact and socialize with other people, the less need I feel to fill every waking moment of our precious evening hours together with pointless drivel about how I rearranged the Tupperware cupboard that day.

And me?  My state of mind is sharp, my state of finance is stable, and my state of desperation varies depending on how long I’m kept from my morning cup of coffee.  The thought of coffee snaps me back to the reality of the phone approaching my ear as my hand lifts it subconsciously from the receiver.  “Hello?”  On the other end of the line is the sweet voice of my dear friend, “Shall we walk and talk?”  I met Maria a year ago.  Our children attend school together, we’re on the PTA together, and we’re both well-educated moms out to make a difference in the lives of our kids and our community.  “A walk and talk would be fabulous.  Let’s meet in an hour.”   I felt the wave of anticipation leave my body with a sudden rush, leaving an empty sense of discontentment to fill the void.  I was looking forward to a good heart to heart chat with a close friend; it helps soothe the social beast in me.  But it wasn’t the phone call I had hoped for.

Career number four is still eluding me.  Being of sharp mind, I want to use it.  Being of stable finances (thanks to a successful and supportive husband), I want to find the right career.  And being desperate, well, I have coffee for that.